It is rarely about the dishes
Most couples who come to see me can describe their argument in detail. Who starts it, what gets said, how it ends. What they find harder to describe is why it keeps happening, when both of them are tired of it and neither of them wants it.
The subject of the argument — the dishes, the phone, the in-laws, money — is usually the doorway, not the room. Underneath, each person is asking a quieter question. Do you see how much I am doing? Am I still a priority? Can I rely on you? The argument is what happens when those questions go unanswered for long enough.
The pattern underneath
Patterns in couples tend to be circular. One person reaches out by raising the problem, often sharply, because they have been holding it for a while. The other hears criticism and pulls back, goes quiet, or defends. The first person feels unheard and pushes harder. The second feels attacked and withdraws further. Each person’s way of coping is exactly what the other finds hardest.
Most couples are not arguing about what they are arguing about.
Seeing the circle does not make it stop. But it changes who the enemy is. Instead of you against your partner, it becomes the two of you against the pattern.
One thing to try before next time
Before the next argument, not during it, each of you finish one sentence privately: “When we argue about this, what I am really afraid of is…” Then swap. Not to debate it, only to hear it.
It will feel exposed. That is the point. Most patterns survive on the fact that the softer feeling underneath never gets said out loud.
When it helps to have a third person in the room
Some patterns are old enough, or painful enough, that a couple cannot see them from the inside. That is what couples therapy is for: a place to slow the argument down, name the circle, and practise a different way through it, with someone who is on the side of the relationship rather than either of you.
It is not about deciding who is right. It is about understanding what each of you is protecting, and whether there is a way to protect it together.
Written by
Nimisha Shrivastava
RCI Registered Clinical Psychologist (Reg. No. A114126) with an M.Phil. in Clinical Psychology from ABVIMS Dr. RML Hospital, New Delhi, and a PhD scholar at Christ University, Bengaluru. She works with adults and couples, in person and online.
About Nimisha